Justin Bieber Drags His Tattooed Testicles Across The Pouty Chins Of The British Royals, Serenades First Fiancée At The Buckingham Palace Fountain

Christ. I was just thinking about how I haven’t seen Bieber in a while. Where’s he been? Cooking up a secret album chock full of hits? Getting his eyeballs tattooed because that’s the only space left? Picking the rice pilaf out of that wasp nest on his head? Whatever it was, he took a day off from all that shit to return to his majestic self for an “impromptu” busking sesh on the fountain ledge at Buckingham Palace. Delivered by a cavalcade of armed Escalades, Bieber quickly summoned a critical mass of tittering fans with a beckoning of his finger that tickled the g-spots of Brits and tourists alike. Among them, his beloved: Hailey Baldwin, known for her work in foreign music videos and her breakout performance as the niece of Alec Baldwin.

First, he pulled out his guitar, which he’d bedazzled with sharpie like the cast of an 8th-grader with a broken arm. Bieber spoke to Baldwin through the introductory strums of his first number, saying “you’re my favorite” and “that girl right there is the love of my life.” The confused throng immediately whipped their necks around, assuming that Selena Gomez had pulled up on a Vespa, like a scene out of her hit film “Monte Carlo.” It seemed impossible that Bieber would refer to Baldwin as the love of his life, given that his tumultuous romance with Gomez lasted so much longer than whatever the hell is happening with the daughter of Stephen Baldwin (known for directing “Livin’ It,” a Christian-themed skateboarding DVD. He also appeared on Celebrity Big Brother, a show that ironically does not focus on the lives of unknown people whose older brothers are actual celebrities.)

But sadly, Gomez was nowhere to be found. Bieber regained the crowd’s attention by breaking into a rendition of “Fast Car,” originally sung by Tracy Chapman, known for her hit single “Fast Car.” Bieber’s acoustic version would have benefitted from a setting devoid of noisy fountains or other ornamental water structures, but a child summarized the mood of those present when he said, “thank God the water drowned out his raspy, contrived performance, pun intended.”

Bieber followed Fast Car with an acoustic version of his hit “Cold Water,” perhaps as a nod to the temperature of the fountain. Unfortunately, his collaborator Major Lazer was not there to plug in a Macbook and give the song the electricity it needs, so the crowd drifted away. They had come to see the Changing of the Guard, and there was no telling how long Bieber’s little engagement might last.