Stormy Daniels Reports That President Trump's Dick Looks Like A Toadstool From Mario Kart

Trump’s bodyguard invites Daniels to dinner, which turns out to be an invitation to Trump’s penthouse, she writes, in a description of alleged events that Daniels has disclosed previously but which in the book are rendered with new and lurid detail. She describes Trump’s penis as “smaller than average” but “not freakishly small.”

“He knows he has an unusual penis,” Daniels writes. “It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool…

“I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart…

“It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion.”

Stormy Daniels’ book hasn’t come out yet but I already need some clarification on a few things.

Number 1: when she says that President Trump has yeti pubes, does she mean that you can pour ice and tea into his pubes and come back 24 hours later and his pubes will keep the ice and tea cold? I hope so. If she’s saying that his pubes are thick like a mystical creature’s, that would be very mean.

I’ve learned over the years that one never speaks of a lover’s pubic hair. It’s bad form. It’s not becoming. Sure, it’s funny to say that your lover has a bush that would make Moses blush, but you keep that to yourself and your closest friends while keeping pictures in a folder marked “private” for discretion.

Number 2: if the penis was small and the head was huge, why would it be unenjoyable? Seems like having something different in the ole bedroom would keep things spicy.

I mean, look at this thing.

That being said, I don’t believe Stormy about Trump’s dick. I do believe her that Trump absolutely loves Shark Week.

Daniels’ alleged relationship with Trump included one moment in 2007, she writes, in which she is with Trump in a hotel room watching a Shark Week broadcast on cable television when he receives a phone call from Hillary Clinton, then running against Barack Obama for the Democratic presidential nomination.

“Then, to make it crazier, Hillary Clinton called,” Daniels writes. “He had a whole conversation about the race, repeatedly mentioning ‘our plan’…

“Even while he was on the phone with Hillary, his attention kept going back to the sharks.”

Who doesn’t like Shark Week? I dont care if Hillary Clinton calls, when those great whites breach, you pay attention. Simple as that.