Donnie Does A Deep Dive Into The Denver Recreational Marijuana Scene

This weekend I was at a wedding out in Colorado (sorry ladies, Cal from Timeflies is officially off the market). It was an incredible few days filled with breathtaking vistas and fresh mountain air which was just what the doctor ordered before I head back to the smog drenched alleyways of Shanghai.

Unfortunately though, due to the elevation, that fresh mountain air didn’t have as much oxygen in it as I’m used to so I was more or less out of breath the entire weekend. Nothing a $21 bottle of canned “recovery oxygen” couldn’t fix though

Actually the canned oxygen didn’t fix shit, most likely because I paired it with a nicotine vape.

Did I mention the wedding reception also had an “All You can Suck” Oxygen bar?

Kids were sucking that thing all night being like “I don’t feel anything!” Ya no shit buddy it’s Oxygen, not a nitrous tank. Mix in a whip it for me one time. Anyways I’m sure you’re not reading a blog about my time in Colorado to hear about all the cool air I huffed, let’s get to the good stuff.

Colorado has become synonymous with legal marijunna and my buddy made sure I had more than enough time to sample the local produce when he informed me I needed to book a red-eye flight back to New York Sunday night because he had signed us up for a “cannabis tour” of Denver.

At this point in my life I’m kind of over weed to be honest. Don’t get me wrong I still smoke it often as I give in immediately to peer pressure, but ever since I can remember I haven’t been a great “high” guy. Most people smoke weed to chill themselves out. It has an opposite effect on me. When I get high my mind starts racing a million miles a second, I get easily flustered, the smallest tasks seem overwhelming, and I do stupid shit like leave my wallet on gum racks at convenience stores. Now if I take some tokes while I’m also drinking, it does in fact mellow me out but drunk and stoned is no way to go through life. I was still interested in doing this cannabis bus tour of the city though as I thought it could make for a solid blog or video. What is a cannabis bus tour you may ask? Well it’s when you board a dimly list party bus filled with  smoking appliances and TV screens showing nothing but Homer Simpson and drive around visitings dispensaries while smoking yourself “r-word”ed and listening to Post Malone’s entire discography.
It’s not as fund as it sounds. By the first dispensary stop you already have enough THC to get a village in Zimbabwe baloney faced for a week. My buddy and I personally went with weed gummies, chocolate covered THC infused espresso beans,

a gram of “Bionic Goat” weed, a THC infused seltzer water

and a couple joints of moon rocks, which are nugs of weed that get dipped in hash oil and then rolled in kief shake.

Want to feel like you’re smoking crack rock without the social stigma? Moon rocks are for you! I captured my dispensary ordering experience with my video camera shades and I must say the customer service was impeccable.

Our specific bus was empty except for two other chicks. Sounds like beginning of either a beautiful relationship or a bad porno right? Wrong. We were all too high to interact with  each other in a meaningful manner so just passed joints back and forth while the bus driver blasted “X Gon Give It To You” By DMX.

These are all minor issues though. The real depressing thing about the tour is that Denver is a beautiful city surrounded by pristine nature that gets 300 days of sun each year.

The weather was fantastic the day of our tour. However, we spent our entire afternoon on a tinted window bus ingesting TCH till we could no longer feel our faces.

Every 15 minutes we’d come to a stop and our tour guide would cheerfully inform us that “across the street there is a super chill dispensary where you can buy more goodies!” Ya no thanks bud, pretty sure the moons rocks and weed seltzers are getting the job done, now if you’ll excuse me I’m gonna go stand on the sidewalk taking deep breaths of oxygen before I pass out/have a panic attack. I’m all for treating marijuana how we treat alcohol, which is why I think it should be legal, but imagine the booze equivalent of this bus ride, it would pretty much just be a tour of liquor stores. Would I do that? I mean probably but I wouldn’t be proud of it and definitely would never admit to it in a blog.

We had booked a 3 hour time slot on the bus but after about two hours we realized it was impossible for us to get any higher and decided to hop off, head to a bar, and watch some football. Little side note about the service industry in Denver. Every waiter and bartender I interacted with was overwhelmingly friendly, however, they also seemed to be overwhelmingly high, or at least accustomed to only dealing with overwhelmingly high patrons as they all operated in a state of “sluggish confusion.” This wasn’t always necessary a bad thing. One time I waited 15 minutes for a bartender to take my order only for him to then forget that I needed to pay for said drinks. I waited at the bar waving my debit card trying to remind him that our economic system isn’t a one way street but he was already too deep in his edible induced trance to give a shit. It makes sense that Colorado has a steep 25% tax on all marijuana products because it helps offset the loss in economic productivity that comes from their entire workforce being high as balls most of the time. Anyways, I noticed that the bar I was at had “Rocky Mountain Oysters”(read: Bull Testicles) on the menu and decided to order some as I thinking it could make for a great “Whoa That’s Weird” episode.

Somehow though, I ended up eating the whole plate before remembering I was supposed to film it. Imagine being so high that you willingly eat a full plate of bull balls without getting any content from the experience?? Not good! In case you’re wondering though, they weren’t bad at all. Tasted just like deep friend pieces of beef with a little bit of liver thrown in the mix.

Right before having to hop in an uber to the airport, I realized that I had also forgot to smoke the gram of “Bionic Goat” weed I had bought earlier in the day. I considered hiding it somewhere in Denver and having Colorado stoolies compete in a scavenger hunt to find it but when I tried thinking of riddles to use as clues I got a migraine headache.  I decided to do the next best thing, which was hand it to the first homeless guy I saw with a funny sign. The winner had a sign that read “Weed Lost in Several Small Fires.” He was extremely grateful for my donation.

 It was refreshing to finally meet a homeless guy that wasn’t just looking for money to buy crack/heroine but who knows what his future holds, people forget that weed is a gateway drug.

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