Friday Homestretch/AFTP

Afternoon, guys.

Markets lower across the board after Trump said that a further $267 billion in tariffs are set to be imposed against China, a move that has rattled investors hoping for a detente between Beijing and Washington.

Tesla down around 7% after another executive within the company jumps ship, and Musk pretends to inhale on a podcast.

NKE down small, still not able to recover fully from the dip after all that Kap nonsense earlier this week.  I just wish the stock was hit harder, because this is not enough of a discount for me to even think about loading up.

Been down in Dallas past couple days, and as the weather breaks up North, I can tell you it is still Africa-hot down here… I have sweated through 5 shirts in 2 days.  As far as the conference is concerned, the panels they have hosted on gaming and cannabis have been very well attended.  This shouldn’t be a news flash, but finance guys love pot and betting.

I was deeply saddened by the news of Burt Reynolds’ passing yesterday, but I am happy that Rear Admiral came out of the fucking clouds to eulogize him perfectly in a blog I am going to attach here…

I don’t have much to add, except the word “legend” gets thrown around a lot in modern pop culture, but before you bestow that moniker on another tatted-face mumble rapper, know that Burt Reynolds was married twice, AND had long term relationships with both Sally Field and Dinah Shore.  But throughout all that, Burt only had 1 child… And that child was adopted.  This was all because Reynolds felt strongly that a woman’s vagina was precious, and not something that should be ruined through childbirth.

I totally made up that last part about the vaginas, but rest in peace, Bandit, regardless.

ASS FROM THE PAST

I am down in Texas this week, so it is only fitting to dedicate this AFTP to the Lone Star State.

After much deliberation, I felt the most respectful candidate is a not-so-young, former porn actress named Houston… Even though the Long Beach, CA native has nothing to do with Texas outside of her name and affinity for fucking in boots.

Oof!

I do not find her attractive in the least, but I want to honor her for 4 reasons that are not really “reasons,” inasmuch as they are tidbits about her life that I want everyone to know:

1) In a very Burt Reynolds-esque move, she was one of the first aging pornstars to have her labia surgically trimmed in order to improve her genital profile during close-up video work.  I assume that after the amount of traffic through her canal, it was like she had a wallet that was too big for her pocket.

2) In a subsequent online auction, Houston reportedly sold her labia for an estimated $50,000 according to a shady source called “Erotic Bid”.  I often think about what that person did with those labia scraps… I’d like to think he or she made the greatest dream catcher EVER.

3)  In a very Jerry Thornton-esque move, Houston once attended a high school prom with 18-year-old Staten Island student Brad Parascandolo.  The prom date initiated a relationship between Houston and Brad, and eventually the teenager moved to California with her for a couple years.  This all went down post-labia tuck, so Parascandola was dealing with fresh powder, if you know what I mean.

4) Houston was the star of a very descriptively titled porn called The Worlds Biggest Gangbang 3: The Houston 620.  A movie where she reportedly beat her own record of 500, and had sex with a whopping 620 men without interruption.  I cannot confirm this feat, because I was only able to watch up until #352 before I passed out from regret, but I will take her word on the other 268.

I won’t harp on this too much, but imagine what it felt like to be number 620?  The only thing I can think of is that it must’ve felt like being number 620 in a gangbang with 619 other men, because there is no other analogy for that scenario.

Have a good weekend, everyone… Take 620 reports.

-Large