Disgusting New Trend Of Babies "Comfort Nursing" On Their Father's Nipples Is Yet Another Example Of Male-Driven Marginalization Of Women

Oh look, here come the men again, encroaching upon feminine territory. Today it’s mock-nursing, tomorrow they’ll be strapping tampons to the tips of their dicks like a cotton crucifix. Can women have nothing of their own? Jesus. I appreciate gender equality as much as the next cisgender man, but I do think that some things are sacred to women. Breast-feeding, even when it’s dry, should belong entirely to the females.

I agree, Goddess. I’ll look past the sacrilege of your name because you ask an important question. Obviously, nothing is coming out. Why? Because this guy isn’t a male Dayak fruit bat–one of the few documented species of mammal capable of paternal lactation.

Ahhhh sorry Meegan (what the fuck is going on with these names? “Meegan” sounds like a contraction of “me again,” which is how people introduce themselves when they call you back moments after ending a first phone call with you.) Human males don’t lactate under “normal conditions” (Male Lactation, Wikipedia.org). Apparently you can take some drugs to open the dairy tap, but it’s not easy. Just ask Liam:

Something tells me Liam’s nipples look like beef tartare. Without a doubt, this guy has rubbed his nipples so extensively that he injured himself. He may have even broken his nipples off his pecs. I can picture him furiously rubbing with flat palms in a counter-clockwise motion, because his hairs grow that way and he doesn’t like to go against the grain. Oh, he also has an extremely discerning palette when it comes to breast milk. With just one sip (and a contemptuous, full-nosed sniff), he can name the heritage of the nipple-owner’s extended family, her weight, and what she ate for dinner the night before.

I’ve had my nipples in mouths before, and it doesn’t do much for me. Granted, I’ve only ever experienced that with adults. If you tell me the experience is vastly improved with an infant, I’d be willing to try again. With my own kid. Someday.