Does This Look Like the Face of a Guy Going to Jail for Serial Public Masturbation?
Oregon – Prosecutors say the only way to stop Michael Thomas Dorgan, 55, from masturbating in public is to send him away to prison.
On Tuesday, a Multnomah County Circuit judge found him guilty for the 10th time of public indecency — and sentenced him to about 4½ years in prison as part of a plea deal. That’s just about half a year shy of the maximum that prosecutors think they can lock him up for. …
Dorgan pleaded no contest Tuesday to exposing himself to three women at the Portland State University Urban Center, at Southwest Fifth Avenue and Mill Street, on July 8. …
Dorgan’s history of exposing himself to strangers stretches back to 1990. Many of the cases have been on the PSU campus, despite previous prison stints Dorgan has served. He remains recognizable to longtime university police. …
In 2011, he was sentenced to nearly six years in prison for two instances of public indecency.
In this latest 2018 case, Dorgan had been out of prison for about two years before he was caught masturbating in public again.
How’s this for a cautionary tale and a life lesson? If you’re going to be a serial public masturbator (Note: Do not be a serial public masturbator), try not to be a psychotic looking homeless guy. Be somebody important before you take up that particular hobby. Entertain the masses. Produce Pulp Fiction like Harvey Weinstein. Be the hottest, most celebrated comic of your day like Louis CK. Those guys aren’t in jail even though they fisted off more knuckle children in front of more unsuspecting women than Michael Thomas Dorgan could’ve imagined in his wettest dreams. But Weinstein still sleeps on a mountain of gold like a dragon and Louis is back to getting standing-O’s in New York and Dorgan will be jacking it in front of his bunkmate in the Stony Lonesome. It’s the Golden Rule: He who has the gold, makes the rule.
Not that I in any way feel sorry for the man. I don’t. If I was that judge I’d personally see to it he never takes a free breath again. But you do have to give it to him that he has a passion for masturbation like I’ve never heard of before. There’s never been a man on Earth that didn’t enjoy it. But his commitment to it is just astonishing. If you told your average masturbator they were going to jail the next time they’re caught hitchhiking to the moon, they might not quit altogether, but you can be damned sure 99.9999% of them would keep it behind locked doors surrounded by tripwires and motion-sensor alarms. This guy knew the whole world recognizes him and was looking for him to rub one out again and still he did it. I’ve never loved anything in this life the way he loves jerking it. And while I don’t admire it, I do have to recognize his dedication to his craft.