No Labor Days Off
Labor Day is a celebrated holiday on the first Monday of September. It is a day to honor the contributions that workers have made to strengthen this country. Labor Day and Martin Luther King Jr. Day are my favorite holidays because it gives me a Monday off from school. Now that I’m in online school, none of these really matter to me anymore. Thanks for nothing Martin. Although citizens took advantage of this weekend to party, watch football, and ride those darn pink inflatable flamingos at the lake, I worked my buttocks off to get my first date on Tinder and Bumble. It wasn’t easy. By the way, those pink inflatable flamingos get more ass than my toilet seat in the summer.
I started my journey with Bumble. A dating app where the female has to message you first when you both match. Being a ball boy, you don’t pull girls. It’s a fact. Calling myself a ball man increased my charm by like 1. Chicks dig NFL public relation employees more than a ball boy. Which makes sense since relations is in the job title.
In the game of Bumble, the lady has 24 hours to message you until they expire. Right off the bat, 4 of them didn’t care to message their potential future husband. Their loss. Jessica never got back to me when I said, “Yo”. Thats on me. It was a bad start to the weekend already, and it was only Friday. “There has to be a change” I thought to myself. I can’t transform into a hunk in 1 day, but I can change my description in one click. “Oh wait, I work for Barstool, duh” I said to myself.
I changed my Bumble job description from Intern at the Colts, to “Content Creator at Barstool”. I instantly hit a gold mine.
Did Hell freeze over?! I felt like Forrest Gump when him and Bubba caught all of those shrimp! This make sense because Forrest and I both have noticeable disabilities. There were plenty of fish in the sea of us. Haley and I were discussing Bo Burnham by the way. She said she started following this other comedian and enjoyed him more than Bo so I had to cut her off right quick. Besides breathing, this may have been the greatest achievement in my life. The best part about having all the money in the world, is doing nothing with it, and that’s what I did with these smokes. I did not talk to a single one of them. This story gets better.
Alas, another match appeared on my phone, but this time, it’s on Tinder. The big boy league of dating apps.
“I’m not rapunzel but you can pull my hair” this was a match made in Heaven. With my creative mind, I won the tip off and immediately shot that ball half court. I’m not saying her name in respect of her privacy and so I don’t jinx myself. More to come on that.
It’s too easy. Eventually I got her snapchat, followed by her number. You have to crawl before you ball. But yeah, I got her number which rarely happens to me. This is like the farthest I have gone with a girl. Any who, the texting was great. We both like pizza, the Weeknd, and this show called Loud Mouth. Food, music, and entertainment. The three essentials to a perfect first date. Back to what I said about jinxing myself, we talked since Thursday and were supposed to go on a date Friday. Sadly, she had to help move her Mom into a new house. I now had nothing to look forward to this weekend.
This wasn’t the first time a girl bailed on me and told me no worries. Events like these happen all the time. So close yet so far. Kinda like this legendary conversation.
Just wait
Maddie was the greatest thing to happen to me though.
After a weekend of talking to Tinder Prospect, she started taking forever to reply to a text or snapchat. This was the end of a jog, as my legs gave out. Good thing I got a BBC(Big Black Car)!
Wednesday is game day. My first ever Tinder date. And its not through FaceTime or Skype. Godspeed Stoolies. Bad or good, I shall return with the news for you good townspeople. Fin.
P.S. this dude had it coming once I saw he played pitcher at the University of Pittsburgh.
