Terror At Sea! A Horny Dolphin Has Forced A French Beach To Close Because He Has Been Rubbing Up On Human Swimmers

Telegraph- A seaside village in Brittany has banned swimming on its beach because a dolphin in heat has been scaring tourists and locals by approaching them and trying to rub up against them. The dolphin has even tried to prevent several swimmers from getting back to the beach at Landévennec, using its nose to push one woman out of the water and up into the air.

The beast, often clearly in a state of sexual arousal, also often tries to rub up against kayaks and other small boats. The three-metre long dolphin, which locals have nicknamed Zafar, has been hanging around the Bay of Brest for months, amusing tourists with its antics as it visited the beaches and shorelines of Plougastel-Daoulas, Logonna-Daoulas and Landevennec.

“Swimming and diving are banned on the village shoreline… whenever the presence of the dolphin is confirmed,” said a new bylaw issued last week by the mayor of Landévennec, Roger Lars. “Approaching within 50 metres of the dolphin is also forbidden,” said the text.

This story in meme form:

Name a more French story than a horny dolphin causing havoc and making a beach close during the summer. You can’t. While we are getting the usual gaggle of reports of shark sightings at open beaches here in the US of A, France is shutting shit down for sexually frustrated dolphins because poor Zafar is out in the *double checks story, giggles a little* Bay of Brest just trying to get his dolphin nut off and has gone mad because his little bottle nose is full of man milk. You honestly cannot make it up.

Now I am not a marine biologist nor would I ever claim to be one. If anything I’d lie about being an architect. But I simply cannot figure out why Zafar can’t find a mate. There are literally tons of fish mammals for him in the sea. Has climate change caused any able and willing lady dolphin away from the *once again giggles* Bay of Brest? It sure as shit isn’t Zafar’s fault. Guy has a badass name, isn’t afraid to approach strangers, and if we are in the trust tree, is pretty fucking sexy with that tri-color look he has going.

Are you trying to tell me not one lady dolphin is ready to do weird blowhole stuff with that specimen of a being? How would I describe Zafar? Three words. Hard-working. Alpha male. Jackhammer. Merciless. Insatiable. If you see that dorsal fin coming, you know you are about to come too. Hopefully someone/something can end this madness so Zafar’s swimmers and the beach’s swimmers can all be let loose before the summer sun has set for good and the cool winds of autumn re-enter all of our lives.