Antifa Smashed the Windows at a Marine Corps Recruiting Station

This should come as a shock to absolutely no one, but I’m not a big protest guy. Partly because I’d have to give a shit about something enough to actually go to one. But mostly because they just seem like so much effort. I can barely be bothered to get off my couch to go to the Duckboat parade anytime a Boston team wins. The only way I see myself burning the calories it takes to get off my back deck in the suburbs and go to some big gathering in the city is if there’s a food festival with multiple beer tents. Plus, I’d hate to burn the Personal Day since you can’t exactly bang in sick only to have your employer on the news getting ziptied for Disturbing the Peace and Resisting Arrest. That’s a bad look when you’re sitting down with your supervisor and HR asking for a raise.

So yeah, the idea of ducking bottles thrown from the skinny wrist of some sexless, neck-tatted Humanities major with crippling social issues because daddy never stuck around long enough to explain to him/her/xem how the job market really works is something I give a wide berth to. Besides, I’ve never really understood what gets accomplished at these things. I’ve yet to meet the person who watched one and said, “You know that young man with the black rag across his face throwing rocks and screaming about how all pigs must die? He really won me over to his point of view.”

But even if I remain a blissfully ignorant Violent Protest Virgin, I have to admit this one really puzzles me. Maybe your professors convinced you Socialism is a swell idea and corporations are evil, but how does that translate into smashing the glass at a United States Marine Corps recruiting office?

For starters, for a group that calls themselves (zemselves) anti-fascist, isn’t smashing windows totally fascist? These lovable kids live to call anyone to the right of the League of Women Voters “Nazis.” But in football terms, when the actual Nazis scripted their first 15 plays, the 1st & 10 play of their opening drive was a little trick formation they called Kristallnacht, shattering store fronts just to demonstrate they meant business. You pretty much give up the moral authority to call anyone Nazi when you’re operating out of the playbook Hitler personally wrote. But if you are, and it’s the dreaded System you’re rebelling against, why the Marines? Wouldn’t it make more sense to smash the windows of those evil entities that sold you your phone, your credit card, your brand name clothes and your Venti Iced Caramel Mocchiato?

To put it differently, aren’t the Marines the ones who actually risk their own lives to protect your right to … well, to um … Oh, fuck it. I’ll just let Rob Riggle, retired Marine and the Glue Guy who has held together every single great comedy of the last 15 years say it better than I ever could. I might not get out of my chair to join one of these pig ignorant, children-of-privilege little fake anarchists. But I would follow Rob Riggle through the gates of Hell.