Pamela Anderson Blames Fortnite for Guys Becoming Asexual

Noted actress, author and sex expert Pamela Anderson did a reader Q&A on love and sex for Dazed magazine. And as you’d expect, she has sage wisdom for us all at a perilous moment in history:

Q: I’m with a boy who is going through an ‘asexual’ period, and I would like to know how to help him feel sexual again.

Pamela Anderson: I heard that this is an epidemic. Or maybe it’s an evolution in the age of technology and germ phobias. Does he watch a lot of explicit pornographers or video games? Does he feel numb? Is he sure of his sexuality? Too much masturbation or fantasies about cyber film stars or video games like Fortnite seem to be an addiction. Wasting time. Is YouTube taking up his time? It’s a confusing time with so much access to so much visually. I guess you must be brave – experiment with getting his attention. But don’t blame yourself. …

A computer has no attachment. And multiple bodies to look at to get excited about. It’s a dangerous time for good sex. We must do all we can to keep human connections – we are stronger in pairs.

There’s been a lot of talk about Fortnite around here lately. Everywhere, really. Though not coming from me. I’m not a gamer, but I do watch a hell of a lot of YouTube. And just in case you thought there was no harm in spending countless hours of your life in a virtual realm or, like me, falling down the rabbit hole of “Honest Trailers,” Monty Python sketches or Marvel fan theories videos, here is none other than Pamela freaking Anderson giving it to you straight. Those of us who get involved in these time wasters are doing nothing less than turning our species into a collection of lonely, asexual, porn-addicted masturbating monkeys with no human connections.

And Pamela Anderson is the voice of authority on this one. I’ll admit I cheated by posting an old picture of her, but she’s still the expert in this field. She pretty much invented sex back in the early 90s. Before her, no one really knew what it was. She certainly did pioneering work in the field of Leaked Homemade Porn. Her session with Tommy Lee not only redefined what we thought we understood about what the human body is capable of, it spawned a worldwide masturbation movement never since in human history, before or since. Not to mention her work on Baywatch, in Playboy and the film Barb Wire. She defined masturbatory fantasies for two generations. So we should all defer to her guidance on this issue.

Let this be a warning to us all. We need to be careful. Whenever we pick up a controller or start typing in a search bar, there are consequences. We’re responsible for one less sexual encounter. One fewer woman satisfied. One more Pamela Anderson left unbanged. And in doing so, we’re turning ourselves into a bunch of asexual Ken dolls. So let’s all pledge to play Fortnite less and get laid more. For the sake of humanity.