I Am Eagerly Awaiting The Inevitable Hitpiece On Comedy Central's Roast Of Bruce Willis

Hi all. I don’t have any time to waste with this blog so I’m going to get right into it.

As the liberal snowflake I am, I was appalled at last night’s Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis. I’m sure all of you were, too. Just trigger city all night. The constant sexism, racism, misogyny, homophobia, white privilege, and mansplaining on display made me throw up multiple times throughout the night. I actually had to watch the special with a bucket on my lap for this reason.

I understand that I could’ve changed the channel at any time and sought out a show that I did enjoy, but then I wouldn’t have anything to be outraged about, and as you all know, us ‘flakes run on outrage. We’re fueled by it. Can’t get enough.

Because of this, Deadspin’s phenomenally written hitpieces are like porn to me. The way they speak the truth the way they do, the way they’re not afraid to speak up for what’s right (even when it may mean getting laid off in half the time it would’ve taken them to had they not bit the hand that fed them), and the way they truly, genuinely, and entirely objectively call it like they see it…it’s so inspiring as a young, aspiring journalist it could bring tears to my eyes. So I just wanted to let you all know how eagerly I’m awaiting today’s imminent hitpiece on Comedy Central’s Roast Of Bruce Willis. Because it’s coming, right?

I mean, if they jump at the chance to write hitpieces about some comedy bloggers making jokes on their comedy-based programming, they’ll certainly capitalize on discussing the heinous jokes that comedians made on their comedy program last night, yeah? Listen to some of the “jokes” made…

Nikki Glaser remarked, “Bruce has been very active with the Make-A-Wish Foundation, which is where they make sick kids meet you so that dying doesn’t seem so terrible.”

EXCUUUUUSE ME?! Does she think dead children are funny? Really? This is not okay.

Jeff Ross told Willis that he’d met his daughter, Rumor, and joked, “I guess that’s the name your mom gives you when she’s not 100 percent sure who your father is.”

Pretty misogynistic, if you ask me. VERY misogynistic, actually. Jeffery Ross slut shaming Demi Moore?! Not cool.

Oh, and don’t get me started on Demi Moore’s dismissal and ultimate spit-in-the-face to the #MeToo Movement and ALL abuse victims worldwide when she joked, “I remember when Bruce got cast in Pulp Fiction. He went to Harvey Weinstein’s hotel one night and came back the next morning saying ‘I got the part!'”

Now obviously, this entire blog has been laced with sarcasm (except for the part about me being a snowflake, that’s probably true), because no Deadspin hitpiece is coming (at least I don’t think one is).

For some reason, it’s understood by Deadspin, and all of the other trigger-gore media outlets that thrive on critiquing every little itsy bitsy thing we do – DOWN TO BARSTOOL AT THE BALLPARK – that everything said last night at Comedy Central’s Roast of Bruce Willis was said for the sake of comedy, and wasn’t at all meant to be taken seriously. It’s lost on them, however, that the comedic personalities of a comedy website (Barstool Sports) would ever do the same. And I don’t necessarily think this is blind hypocrisy, where they fundamentally don’t understand the difference between what we do and what Comedy Central Roasts do (and I guess what all stand-up comedians do, for that matter, I don’t mean to hammer-home the specific Barstool = Comedy Central Roast point as hard as I am, but watching it last night was just a bit eye-opening), I think it’s just negligent jealousy.

For that, I feel bad. I’m living out my dream job at 20 years old, with the creative freedom to do WHATEVER I WANT, WHENEVER I WANT, surrounded by brilliant content-creators to bounce ideas off of, and just genuinely great people looking to help each other succeed, while these starving “artists” are using their last gasps of exposure before Deadspin cans them (and than shuts down entirely) by spreading negativity and slander about the silly hijinx that goes on here rather than use their platform for good. They could be making a difference in this world. They really could be. But they’d rather be mean to Large. What a shame.

Good riddance, ya goofs. Let me know if you have any questions about interning after Univision puts you out of your misery.