Kate's Guide To Baltimore For The Lay-Dees
After the 4th I went on a trip to Baltimore & Annapolis with someone I’m dating… (one of those ‘let’s see if we’re compatible enough to go on a road trip & not want to Thelma & Louise ourselves by the end of it’ kind of things).
Since I’m writing this it’s clear we survived (if only out of respect for my elderly & beloved Honda CR-V) so I decided to write a small guide for the lay-dees.
Day 1: Baltimore
Upon entering the city & pulling in at the Lord Baltimore Hotel, the pork roll, egg & cheese Sizzli & large iced coffee from WaWa you had on the drive down will hit you like a ton of bricks. You should try to slip one down the ‘ol mahogany slide while he’s checking in, but the lobby bathroom has an attendant and you’ll get gun-shy.
After setting the luggage down in the room, hit up the hotel’s LB Skybar for happy hour. The views & specials are decent, bartenders are friendly & while he’s taking a call you might be able to run to the bathroom to give it another go. But a conference is letting out and the stalls are packed. Hold it in despite starting to sweat a little bit. You’re Chesapeakin’ but you’ll be fine.
From there, bypass the Inner Harbor (it’s the Times Square of Baltimore. And I might be a dumb, embarrassing, painfully obvious tourist, but I refuse to over-pay for soggy onion rings in a Bubba Gump Cheesecake Hard Rockin’ Factory surrounded by 4th grade class trips) and head to ‘Power Plant Live!’ It’s like Philly’s Xfinity Live! but with fewer men in jean shorts, diamond studs & fitted Phillies hats.
Power Plant has 13 theme bars that are all connected by an outdoor courtyard. If there’s no concerts or events going on it’ll be totally dead, but the drinks are cheap. Chug a few Miller Lites to show him you can make poor life choices at a low cost.
While waiting for your ride to the next stop, say you need to go fix your hair & attempt to drop some timber off at the river. Unfortunately the bathrooms will skeeve you out & you decide to continue holding it in even though you’re starting to feel pretty sick. Play it cool; keep smiling even if you’re falling apart inside.
Next stop? First Thursdays in Canton Park, about 15 minutes from downtown. Radio station 89.7 WTMD hosts free concerts right on the waterfront & thousands show up for live music, craft beers and a food court with local favorites. At this point your stomach will be distended & it will be difficult to enjoy the Penguin Pils, (a delish collaborative Baltimore beer between the Brewer’s Art and the Maryland Zoo) but you’ll forge ahead.
The line for the women’s bathrooms here will stretch for miles, the perfect excuse to be absent for awhile.. but right as you’re almost in the concert will end & cops will shoo you out of the park. At this point there are tears in the corners of your eyes from the strain. The porkroll Sizzli has formed a weak dam holding back a churning sea of beers.
If it’s a beautiful evening, you’ll want to stay in the Canton neighborhood & bar hop down O’Donnell Street. And speaking of plugs, Plug Ugly’s Publick House will likely have karaoke going on. Sign yourselves up for a duet while mingling with the locals & try to sing through the pain. When you’re done butchering Islands In The Stream, try to leave a few of your own in the bathroom. You won’t be able to because three young women have been in there doing God knows what for 30 minutes, & your date wants to leave.
Before your ride arrives, get some pretzels from the Canton Pretzel Store (like the Rolls Royce of Auntie Anne’s if you’re toasted) & house a couple with cheese sauce, even though there’s literally no more room left inside you. Go to sleep in agony.
Day 2: Annapolis
The car ride is a blur. While getting gas at a Chevron, you ask but they won’t let you use the bathroom and you can’t seem to get away from the guy otherwise. Your insides are like a sock stuffed to the brim with pudding. There’s no way you can go on like this. The thought of breakfast makes you dry heave a little bit and you can tell he’s started to get weirded out by how quiet you are.
At your breaking point & knowing you won’t be able to enjoy Annapolis otherwise, you decide that – no – girls do not poop. But women do. There should be a little side yard at your Air BnB. Your host won’t be there with the keys for another 10 minutes. You know what to do.
Anyways, after that you should be fine. Just walk around the harbor & look at boats & stuff.