Jameis Winston Apologizes for That Uber Crotch Grab He Denied Ever Doing

Jameis Winston, June 28, 2018:

The NFL informed me today that I will be suspended for the first three games of the season.

First and foremost, I would like to say I’m sorry to the Uber driver for the position I put you in. It is uncharacteristic of me and I genuinely apologize. In the past 2 1/2 years my life has been filled with experiences, opportunities and events that have helped me grow, mature and learn, including the fact that I have eliminated alcohol from my life.

I know I have to hold myself to a higher standard on and off the field and that I have a responsibility to my family, community, and teammates to live above the platform with which God has blessed me. I apologize to my teammates, the Buccaneers organization and fans for letting them down. …

I now look forward to putting this behind me and I will continue to work hard every day to be a positive influence in my community and be the best person, teammate and leader I can be.

We have to give credit where credit is due. As carefully crafted public apologies go, this one is pretty good. It checks almost every box on the Apology-o-Matic punch list. The personal plea to the victim. The “opportunity” to learn and grow. Putting the blame on Demon Rum. Use of the word “community.” A mention of God. Of course a mention of God. The vow to be a better person. This is about as good as we could expect from Winston’s agent, lawyer, the Buccaneers’ PR department or whoever wrote it. Well done, team.

But then again, there’s the messy business of this. Jameis Winston, November 17, 2017:

A news organization has published a story about me regarding an alleged incident involving a female Uber driver from approximately two years ago. The story falsely accuses me of making inappropriate contact with this driver. I believe the driver was confused as to the number of passengers in the car and who was sitting next to her. The accusation is false, and given the nature of the allegation and increased awareness and consideration of these types of matters, I am addressing this false report immediately. At the time of the alleged incident, I denied the allegations to Uber, yet they still decided to suspend my account.

I am supportive of the national movement to raise awareness and develop better responses to the concerns of parties who find themselves in these types of situations, but this accusation is false. While I am certain that I did not make any inappropriate contact, I don’t want to engage in a battle with the driver and I regret if my demeanor or presence made her uncomfortable in any way.

Whoops! Yeah, this is where this gets awkward. When your sincere, heartfelt and ghostwritten apology contradicts your earlier statement of defiantly calling the victim a liar who can’t count the bodies in her car, can’t tell you from the guys you are with, made the whole thing up and was just made “uncomfortable” by your “demeanor or presence.” Which by the way, was also obviously ghostwritten, since it strains credulity to think the guy who used the phrase “national movement to raise awareness and develop better responses to the concerns of parties who find themselves in these types of situations” is the same guy who authored this speech:

But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it is just the booze that made him forget he stuck his hand on the crotch of a woman who was just trying to earn a living hauling drunken strangers around her car. Either way, the author of the apology might have worked in an apology for calling this woman a liar.