Finding Out The UK Has The All Time Lead In Global Guts Gold Medals Has Ruined My Weekend

So I’m watching the World Cup like everyone else on the planet and I’m having a great time. Senegal and Japan are having a real cracker of a match, trading goals all over the place, fans knocking around headers in the stands, everyone’s having a grand old Sunday. Then, out of the clear blue sky, my brain goes, “Wasn’t Senegal nasty at Global Guts? I feel like they were.” Luckily for me, I live in modern times. Had this thought crossed my mind in the 1800s, I would’ve been put on trial as a witch seeing as television and Senegal were not known entities in Northeastern America back then. I also would not have had the internet to check to see if I was correct.

I pull up Google and search Global Guts winners and quickly find out Senegal has never not once competed in the games. I was most likely thinking of Portugal. They both have the -gal suffix working for them so that’s where my idiot brain must’ve got crossed up. But just because I got my answer does not mean I was done reminiscing on better times. I’ve no plans, why not dip deep in the nostalgia bank and have myself a day? I’ve often said I’d rather win a Global Guts gold than an Olympic gold medal. Anyone can speed walk. Not everyone can scale the Super Aggro Crag. Plus you still get your anthem played as you took a lap around the Extreme Arena, flag draped over your shoulders swaying in the breeze behind your strides, smile across your face as you know you just secured a family vacation for four to some resort.

Suddenly, I stumble across the all time medal leaderboard and my monocle falls into my glass, shattering both simultaneously.

I’ve seen some shocking things in my day but seeing that the UK has the all time Global Guts gold medal lead is down right upsetting. I can’t imagine George Washington has been resting very peacefully these past 20 years knowing the youth of the country he fought so hard to free have been lallygagging across the Zero G and getting their shit sent in the opposite direction during Slam-A-Jama. Where Guts was unlike the Olympics is you didn’t get to rack up medals in sports only All Business Pete watches like Curling. No, everyone competed in everything. The most merit-based game show system these eyes have ever laid witness. We just got straight up beat.

If Mike O’Malley has any pride in this great nation of ours he’ll call up Mo, reopen the games and wont stop holding contests until this leaderboard reflects something we can be proud of. I don’t care if we have to cheat and let Russell Westbrook and Odell Beckham compete against British 12-year olds in order to bring the Crag back to its rightful home. This is a “by any means necessary” type of operation and shall be treated as such.

PS – The best idea anyone at Barstool ever had was when Big Cat pitched Mark Cuban to open a Nickelodeon Fantasy Camp. Let me go put together the Shrine Of The Silver Monkey. Let me snatch that flag out of that goo-filled nose from Double Dare. Nothing would fill me with more joy than smashing baseballs off televisions in the Wild & Crazy Kids Home Run Derby. Wake up, Cubes. Call up Viacom and let’s get this shit open already.