Lionel Messi's Tattoos Send A Bad Message To His Teammates And Youngsters: The Case For Cutting Him
The first weekend of the World Cup was great in the sense that it brought us closer to the end of the World Cup and folks it was not hurting for storilines. One things for certain: I miss NFL. In the meantime I, ProFutbolTalkCommenter will be providing you with film analsis and detailed breakdowns of all the stuff you missed when you were daydreaming about real sports while watching soccer.
Best Showing: The United States Mens National Team
Say what you want about the USA but at leased they had the common deceny to not embarrass themselves by missing penalty kicks in there opening game of the world cup with Sarah Palin front-row watching from her porch. No sir, instead the USMNT is still basking in the glow of there most recent statement international friendly tie. By the way, a undereported apsect of Lionel Messis big choke job is that by missing that PK he literaly took food out of the mouths of children:
Cant imagine what it woud be like to have our country assocated with inhumane treatment of children go USA
Worst Showing (non-Messi division): Germany
Stop me if you’ve heard this one allready but Germany is struggling on Russian soil yet again. As Big Cat pointed out the Germen head coach defnitely appears to be a orgy guy so you’d think he would do better in the group stage. The German squad all sport the same haircut like a entire nation of Macklemores who woudnt listen to there own music, and Mexico learned from the orignal offside trap- the Maginot Line- and exploited the overly agressive German attack. There coach was presumably to busy eating his own boogers and staring at his own nipples in that deep-v t-shirt to give much of a explanation for there tie after the game, but knowing Germany I fully expect them to try and regroup using subs and speed.
The Worst of the Worst: Lionel Messi
Speaking of Germans who disapear after losing a conflict, Argentina suffered a costly 1-1 defeat to Iceland and there supposed GOAT Messi was a big no-show missing a penalty kick and single-handedly (no offense to the 1986 English national team) allowing Iceland to domnate his awful fullbacks.
So whats wrong with Messi? Well for one its all the tattoos. Having sleeve tattoos in soccer is a bad idea because they draw the attention of the referees eyes making it more diffcult to cheat and score a goal with a handball in a elimnation game. As if that werent a bad enough visual, it just didnt look right seeing Argentina out there on the pitch in a solid blue uniform allmost like Maradonna had snorted the stripes off their traditional kit.
If Jerry Richardson was in charge of player personel for Argentina theres no chance this clown woud be aloud to disappoint them time and time again. You know who else was a big fan of forearm tattoos right? Exactly.
I think the bigger problem is that Messi is a snob about playing against bad players- like if you gave Lerbron James a glass of Mad Dog he wouldnt know how to eyeball it or butt-funnel it like a real man, hed swish it around in his mouth like it was a bordeaux and end up blacking out and disappointing his 16-year old self. Messi playing verse Iceland is like a porn star having sex with a random guy who bought her a pair of leggings on a Amazaon wish list. He dosen’t know how to perform verse less talented opponets. He’s at his best against the worlds best club teams so what I’m humbly suggesting is that either the rest of the world gets as good as real madrid, or Argentina cuts Lionel and replaces him with a player who is more familar with playing against weak opponets whose main sources of protein are mead and the ghost of a herring your granpapa buried underneat a glacier before he drowned in the worlds purest vodka.
Depserate times call for depserate measures, and what Im suggesting is that Argentina jettison Messi so he dosen’t have the opportunity to be good enough to disappoint them again.
Updated all-timeGOAT soccer rankings:
1. Hypothetical Russel Westbrook 8 months from now after training at only soccer
2. Danny Woodhead
3. Pablo Escobar
4. Vladamir Putin probably
5. The goalie who did the kick behind his back
6. Roberto Baggio- would of been the greatest kicker in the modern era of the NFL
…
20,799. Every player on the 2018 USMNT (tie)
20,800. Lionel Messi
Biggest Dissappointment: Nigeria
Traditonally exciting Nigeria came out of the gate supringly listless as they were playing with a heavy heart in memory of there thousands of recently deceased heirless princes, and lost to Croatia 2-0. I know very little about soccer but I do know that if your going to name your team the super eagles you cant go out and lay a goose egg folks. Much less have a embarassing loss to a country whose main export is hungover Amercan instagram models returning from yacht week. Im still optimistic that Nigeria can pull it together but only if they put on there usual cool uniforms that look like a magic eye poster where if you stare at it long enough you see a Nigerian soccer player running past you.
Okayest performence: Brazil
Brazil suffred a humiliating 1-1 draw to Switzerland but on the plus side Neymar recovered from 7 shattered pelivises and 3 torn ACLs in the first half alone so that speaks well to there resiliance. I havent gotten a update yet on wether or not there coach is allowing them to have sex during the world cup but I’m pretty sure Ronaldinho could perform oral sex while he was taking a free kick and do a better job then this team. We know he wasnt afraid of a little Seaman and neither was Ronaldo love is love.
Finally, here are my up-to-date power rankings of every remaining World Cup team
1. Every team that hasnt made me watch them yet.
2. Mexico- they caused a earthquake celbrating their goal in Mexico City and if I recall my legends of the hidden temple correctley all hells about to break lose
3. Saudi Arabia- Listen I know they did alot of bad stuff but there very important allies and its a American tradition to turn a blind eye to saudi conduct in the hopes they magicaly improve themselves