Writing 101: A Free Tutorial For People Who Can't Read Good And Want To Do Other Stuff Good Too
Hey writers! Today, I’ve decided to provide a few tips on writing because I receive a lot of emails from people asking me to look at their work. I used to respond to every email, but I can’t anymore because the volume is too high. As such, I’m going to provide a couple tips for anyone who fancies him/herself a blossoming wordsmith. Now, many of you will ask, “Francis, who the fuck do you think you are to offer writing tips? You suck balls covered in wiry ball hair that isn’t long enough to floss with, but is just long enough to make it impossible to remove every strand from your mouth. You’ll swipe at your tongue with your finger about 50 times but the only way to get rid of all that chicken wire ball hair is to power wash your cheeks with an uncorked fire hydrant.” To those people, I would simply say… stop reading now. This is for the artists, the bohemians, and the inspired few who need a little guidance.
On Blogging
For me, the most important part of a blog is choosing the right topic. Maybe that seems obvious, but I can’t write a good blog unless I have a topic that I can relate to (SEC says it’s fine to end a sentence with a preposition now. Get with the times). Chaps goes even further and told me he won’t write a blog unless he can come up with a title he loves, and I think we’d all agree that Chaps has the best headlines in the business. It’s so much harder to develop a “take” on a story when you don’t care about the subject matter. Don’t just write about the hot story of the day because you think you need to cover it. I rarely ever write about sports and I work for a company with “sports” on the letterhead. I used to write about death a lot until it started to affect my dating life.
Structurally, I usually write three or four paragraphs per blog. Topic sentences are just as important in blogging as they were when you were writing papers in college and high school. They should define the paragraph we’re about to read and pique our interest in the ensuing paragraph. I’ll then sprinkle in a couple jokes throughout the paragraph before I end with a punchline in the concluding sentence. It’s nice to save your best joke for last–build up to it.
Don’t be afraid to get personal. I often include a paragraph with an anecdote from my life. This way, your blog becomes relatable and your readers get to know you through your work. By relating the story to your own life, you provide a visual aid that allows the reader to draw connections to his/her life. When the reader can live within your story, it gives it a pulse.
Develop recurring jokes. For example, I insert recaps of workouts I’ve done, especially when it makes no sense for them to be included. This is how you create a “voice” that readers can come to expect and enjoy. I started referring to Frankie as a lesbian, and I enjoyed it so much that I heightened that joke into a full-blown love affair. But just as its important to mine a joke to its extremes, its equally important to know when to retire it. Don’t beat a joke or theme to death such that your readers grow tired of it. Leave the game like Barry Sanders, with your fans wanting more.
Finally, include visuals throughout. We’re writing on the internet here, not in a book; it’s impossible to hold anyone’s attention span for longer than a good shit. You can help yourself by including pictures, gifs, or clips that emphasize your take. In general, I try to include a visual every two or three paragraphs.
On Scripts
When it comes to screenwriting, I’m definitely a novice. But here’s some stuff I’ve learned:
Reveal your “game” early on, ideally in the first page. The game is the unusual thing around which the scene revolves, which we will continue to highlight throughout. After you hit that first “beat” (the first joke about the game), let it rest for a bit. Allow things to return to normal so that the scene is grounded in reality. Then hit it again, with a second beat, that heightens the game in a new way. Many scenes have three beats, and you should increase the absurdity with each beat. End your scene on a good “out,” which would be a joke that concludes the scene by sending it in a slightly direction or reveals some self-awareness between the characters. A recognition, maybe.
On Essays/Stories
A lot of my “blogs” since January look more like essays than blogs. For example, I wrote a couple blogs about Dave and KMarko that were satirically exaggerated imaginings of friendships. They felt more like columns or stories than blogs, but who cares. These are my favorite pieces to write. I basically let my imagination dictate where we go, and nothing is out of bounds. It’s fine to take a detour off the main narrative to explore a hypothetical as long as you get back to, and complete, your original train of thought. I use lots of imagery, alliteration, and hyperbole. I spend a lot of time building and describing the settings of the story. This adds depth and color. If you’re thinking about writing a piece on an experience, make sure you look around and try to remember the details of your environment: the people, weather, food, smells, etc. It makes for a far richer read.
General Stylistic Points
Don’t use semicolons, dashes, or other fancy punctuation for the sake of looking smart. Discerning readers will see through it and find it annoying. The same goes for over-the-top vocabulary. If you had to use thesaurus.com, it’s probably unnecessary. Having said that, never use the words “really” or “very.” There’s always a better word to use as an emphasizing adverb. Also, don’t use the verb “to get” (as in “he got the job”) because it’s a lazy, simpleton verb and there’s always a better substitute. Finally, always proofread your work. It’s annoying to read submissions that are full of typos and grammatical mistakes. Even if you’ve written the funniest thing ever, it loses value when it looks like a fifth-grader wrote it. Proofreading also allows me to punch-up jokes and amend a line here or there. That second pass-through will show you things you didn’t see at first. And perhaps most importantly, make everything tighter. Concision is KEY in comedy writing.
Happy writing! Please direct all writing submissions to Kmarko.