Who Is Barstool's Kim Jong Un?

On Monday night, we witnessed history. Donald J. Trump met with Kim Jong Un. It was unbelievable television. Felt like I was watching a huge sporting event. The handshake and all the photos were just incredible moments. It was very historic and cool to see, but it got some people (Tex) thinking, who would be Barstool’s (Dave’s) Kim Jong-Un? A long time enemy that would be a highly anticipated meeting (or if Dave has met them before, let’s say at least the first piece of content together).

Some people suggested that Dave’s head should be on Kim Jong-Un’s body instead.

Donnie’s point is valid, but Chief was just being mean and inaccurate. Dave is of above average height and is a great leader of a great company, so he stays as Trump in this situation. Now on to the candidates for KJU. Some of these are pulled off Twitter replies and others have just come up in office discussion. These are the top 5, in no particular order.

Bill Simmons

This was a popular response among many. Bill Simmons is for sure a huge name, the leader of a rival company. There’s some bad blood in the history. There’s been times where it seemed like a war was brewing between the two, but there’s also been cooling off periods. And despite all the history between the two, they’ve never made any content together. A crossover podcast between Dave and Simmons would be extremely anticipated, similar to last night’s meeting. Also, the US is obviously better than North Korea, and I’m confident we’ll “win” this summit. I have similar confidence in our fearless leader to come out on top of any interaction with Simmons #GoPresGo

Jamie O’Grady

A choice among some, but I just don’t see it. I have legitimately no idea what happened to Jamie O’Grady. This feels like a slap in the face to Kim Jong-Un to even compare the two. However, I do see it to a slight degree. It’s a classic big brother-little brother situation. No matter what Kim Jong-Un/Jamie O’Grady does, America/Dave always come out on top. Any shot fired at Barstool by Jamie O’Grady is the equivalent of when North Korea tries to launch a nuke at us that can’t even get halfway past the Pacific Ocean. Just weak, lame attempts. But at the same time, Jamie O’Grady is so irrelevant that I don’t think anyone would even care if Dave and him met, or did a podcast or something. It would be such a mismatch. Kim Jong is the world’s greatest villain. It’s insulting to compare him to the editor of a now defunct website that had no more than 12 readers. 

Roger Goodell

Roger Goodell is a worthy adversary. He’s the commissioner of the biggest league in America. He’s tried to take down the Patriots time and time again. He blocks Barstool from everything NFL related while pretending to not know we exist. The guy sucks. Now some would argue that Goodell is Trump in this situation since America/the NFL is the “establishment.” And you can say North Korea is the rogue pirate ship that Barstool is. But I look at it differently. Barstool/America acts with honor and integrity. Like Kim Jong-Un, Goodell is an evil leader that spreads false propaganda. As a wise man man once yelled at Goodell outside a courthouse “This is America! You can’t lie, lie, lie, lie, lie! You’re a liar! Hitler! Hitler!”

No matter how you slice it, a sit down meeting between Dave and Goodell would be GINORMOUS. Imagine Dave interviewing Goodell on Barstool Radio? Would be must listen, much like last night was must must-watch. The NFL isn’t a rival media company, which hurts his case, but they’re a rival nonetheless. Lyin’ Roger for sure has to be in the discussion.

Clay Travis

Another popular response because of Clay’s history with Dave/Barstool. He works in the sense that, like Simmons, he’s the leader of a sizable, rival media company. There’s been bad blood, but there have also been cooling off periods. Unlike Simmons, Dave and Clay have actually made content together. He’s been on radio and was on the RV casting couch. But like Dave says, Clay Travis is kind of boring. Whenever he’s actually facing off against Dave on radio, he kind of just rolls over. He’s just not a great villain. Say what you want about KJU, but the guy’s an electric factory and an all-time villain that is certainly not boring considering he has this funny little habit of waging nuclear war.

Laura Wagner

Laura Wagner checks a lot of boxes. While she’s not the leader of Deadspin, you can probably consider her the leader of their anti-Barstool brigade. There’s definitely a big brother/little brother dynamic. Deadspin is constantly taking shots at Barstool and monitoring every single thing we do, similar to how North Korea is/was obsessed with destroying America. But like North Korea is to America, Deadspin is more of an annoyance than an actual threat to topple Barstool.  Also, a meeting between Dave and Laura Wagner would be unbelievably exciting. Watching Trump and Kim shake hands last night was awesome, but you know what would be more awesome? A live stream of a candle light dinner between Dave and Wags. And you know what? I bet they’d get along better than you’d imagine, like Dave seems to insist. Similarly, I guarantee you both Trump and KJU walked away last night after the meeting and were like, “Eh, that guy’s not so bad after all.” Maybe they shared a few laughs, chopped it up about the NBA Finals. Maybe one even dropped “This weather, huh?” And I bet Dave could charm Laura into liking him too.

Those are the top 5 based on what you guys think, and what I think. Some other mentions were….

-Michael Rapaport- Can’t really count him though because there’s way more history between Dave and Rapaport then there is with Trump and Kim Jong-Un.

-John Skipper- There’s the obvious ESPN-Barstool beef, but I didn’t want to include Skipper since he’s not active at the moment since well… you know

-Sam Ponder/Sarah Spain- Other hated rivals, but they’re not contemporaries of Dave since they’re not the leaders of ESPN or anything (same I guess can be said about Laura Wagner to a degree, but she’s different in my mind for the reasons I said above)

-LeBron- Against just not a contemporary of Dave. Trump and KJU are both world leaders. Dave is the head of a media company and LeBron is an NBA player.

-The KO Barstool girl

Really just including this because it’s an all-time picture that deserves to be seen over and over.

Let me and Tex know who your choice is, or if I missed anyone.

@TomScibelli and @DrHipHops on Twitter.