The Nicest Dude In Human History Got Simon To Hit His Golden Buzzer On America's Got Talent Last Night

If you know me, you know I’m a big cry guy. AKA a big pussy. I cry at everything. I’d say roughly 30% of the videos on the internet make me cry whether they’re sad, happy, funny, just confusing, whatever. I can’t help it. It just happens. Because of this, Golden Buzzer auditions on America’s Got Talent are like crack to me. I’d inject them into my veins if I could. I don’t even fully grasp what the Golden Buzzer does, or if it means something different than just getting four yeses from the judges, but whenever somebody gets a judge to use theirs (they only get one per season I believe), golden confetti falls from the ceiling and everything’s in slow motion and inspiring music plays, it’s a whole thing. It’s amazing.

Last night, I received a hot tip that Simon was hitting his Golden Buzzer at the end of the episode (shoutout Fran) so I went out, bought myself some chocolate, and settled in for an emotional night. I decided to give the whole episode a watch, because I figured if I liked Golden Buzzers I’d probably enjoy watching the rest of the auditions, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. America’s Got Talent kinda stinks to be honest. I don’t really care for people who don’t just sing or play music or something. There were acrobats and some little girl did animal noises and got a STANDING OVATION (she legit had like 3 or 4 farm animals in her arsenal and made it through, what the fuck?), it wasn’t good. When the clock struck 9:50pm, however, everything changed and the sob story began.

Michael Ketterer had a baby with his wife many years ago, and there were some extreme complications in the birth-giving process. Doctors actually informed Michael that neither his wife nor the baby were going to make it at one point. Nevertheless, they both survived and lived happily ever after, with only one asterisk on the whole process: Michael and his wife weren’t going to be able to have any more kids. I’m sure that was a tough thing for them to hear, but I’d bet that they all just felt lucky to be alive and accepted the prognosis.

Years later, his daughter started having dreams about the family adopting three boys, and not soon after, they discovered three boys that needed adoption. Raised in a meth lab, they were so mistreated and in bad health that their stomachs were reportedly filled with gravel. So the Ketterers adopted all three. A few years after that, the found another boy who was homeless, living on the streets, in need of a home, so they asked, “What’s one more?” and adopted him as well. Oh, and then years after that the family decided to adopt a boy who was suffering through cerebral palsy.

So as he was getting ready to audition, I was already in tears, knowing what was coming…and then he told the judges that he was singing to show his children that they could follow their dreams and accomplish anything they wanted to in life. So I was a puddle at that point.

He came, he sang, he conquered, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house, and Simon hit the dang buzzer. Now Simon’s buzzers are always better than the others’, because he’s still got that hard-shell reputation from the early days of American Idol. It’s always like the Grinch’s heart grew three times as big that day, and it’s always glorious.

Here’s a few of my other favorite Golden Buzzers, but fair warning, don’t watch if you don’t want to cry.

P.S. My cry was interrupted last night by this glimpse of Simon Cowell fashion. It made me laugh out loud. So Simon it hurts.