We Can All Agree That Jalen Rose Was Outed As A Robot Last Night, Right?

I know there are a million conspiracy theories with the NBA, but I have never been more convinced of one than Jalen Rose being a robot. He’s got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll’s eyes. When he comes at ya, doesn’t seem to be livin’. I am more sure that Jalen Rose is a robot than I am sure that I am a living, breathing human. While we all watched Jalen being worked on, this is what he saw through his eyes.

Don’t tell me Jalen was locked in or focused on the game either. Some summer intern cameraman that was clearly in way over his head caught Jalen booting up on tape and mistakenly outed Jalen as a robot to millions of people. And that intern likely no longer has an internship. Because while we may be making strides as a society in 2018, but I don’t think we are ready to allow AI into our living rooms and give us its sports takes.

Jalen being a robot would also explain him not aging a minute since his playing days. And that oddly perfectly coifed hair he got mean tweeted about?

Fuck that antiquated Lego technology. Jalen’s hair is straight out of Disney’s Hall of Presidents as well as the prototype for Westworld.

My question is was Jalen ever a human being? Was he a robot created by Nike to play basketball while also selling black socks, shoes, and Nike gear with the Fab Five? Did we lose Jalen to some tragic accident or did Kobe’s 81 point game ruin Jalen’s brain, but he was brought back to life using technology like Robocop? Both are from Detroit after all. It lso can’t be a coimcidence that the other robotic NBA player on record (other than LeBron) also happens to hail from the great state of Michigan.

And the best part of all this for Jalen, besides being on the heavily favored side during the inevitable upcoming Human vs. Robot war, is that him blocking everyone for referencing Kobe dropping 81 on him makes perfect sense. If you are a human searching your name out on Twitter every day, you are a crazy person. But if you are a robot doing so, all that takes is a basic CTRL-F search function with an Auto Block computer script that takes 0.0001 seconds to run. Easy Peasy.

h/t TBL