Imagine Liking Lettuce So Much You Didn't Stop Eating It When People Started Dying From E-Coli...Couldn't Be Me.

Time – Tainted lettuce may be off store shelves, but the ramifications of the nationwide romaine E. coli outbreak aren’t over yet.

Four more deaths have been reported in connection with the outbreak, according to a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) update released Friday. Two people from Minnesota, one person from Arkansas and one person from New York have died, according to the update. The first death associated with the outbreak, a person in California, was reported in early May.

Twenty-five more illnesses have also been reported since the CDC’s last update, bringing the total to 197 people sickened in 35 states. Nearly half of those who got sick have been hospitalized, and 26 developed a type of kidney failure called hemolytic uremic syndrome. Those rates are unusually high for E. coli, a bacterial infection that typically results in gastrointestinal distress that clears within about a week.

This one has my mind in a fucking blender. It’s absolutely mind bottling. Imagine liking lettuce so much that when the news broke about people getting food poisoning and dying from eating Romaine Lettuce you were like, “eh, fuck it, I’ll take my chances…” ? Unless you are a fucking rabbit, there’s absolutely no excuse for getting sick after this story broke.

There was once a time when I was a big salad guy. You know when I stopped eating salad? WHEN I TURNED ON MY TV AND FOUND OUT PEOPLE WERE DYING FROM EATING SALAD. Salad is out as fuck. I understand I often make a lot of unhealthy lifestyle choices but you can bet your sweet ass that if someone tells me a certain vegetable might kill me, I’m just gonna stop eating it. The fact that there are assholes out there who just couldn’t suppress their romaine lettuce cravings, even at a time when everyone in the country knew romaine was no longer safe, is just absolutely astonishing.

It should go without saying, but I’m obviously upset these people died. If you think I’m rooting for the death of leaf eaters, you’re wrong as hell. I’m sad. You’re sad. We’re all sad. But there HAS to be a lesson learned here and if I have to be the one to spell it out for everyone then so be it.

If you ever turn on your TV and the CDC is making statements about how you shouldn’t eat a certain food, just don’t eat it! Make yourself a Mediterranean salad or something; they don’t use lettuce in those it’s all just cucumber and feta cheese and grape leaves I think. Make a fruit salad. Cut up some watermelons and strawberries and throw some blueberries in there. Maybe sprinkle some Splenda on there too if you’re feeling fucking wild. I don’t really care. Just please, please, PLEASE stop eating lettuce. It sucks anyways.