Women Are Wearing Stone Eggs Inside Their Vaginas

YoniEgg- Yoni egg, jade egg, or love egg – are names for a beautiful semiprecious stone carved into an egg shape and polished to be worn inside the vagina.

It is estimated that women have been practicing with stone eggs for over 5,000 years. Empresses and concubines of the Royal Palace of China used eggs carved out of jade to access sexual power, awaken sensuality and maintain amazing health into their old age.

As you become more advanced, you can learn to manipulate the egg by moving different muscle groups inside your yoni! This is usually referred to as Pompoir or “Vaginal Kung Fu.” How do you like that?

Benefits:

• Increase libido and awaken your sensuality.
• Practicing with a Yoni Egg not only helps tighten the vaginal walls; it also awakens the tissues, organs, and muscles, promotes new nerve growth, and increases overall sensitivity. This will allow you to experience pleasure you didn’t even know was possible. Be prepared to experience new kinds of orgasms. If you’ve never had a vaginal orgasm before, diligent practice can change this and open up entirely new types of sensation and pleasure.
• Overcome some issues with infertility.
• Easier childbirth with less tearing of the tissue. If you have already given birth, this practice will help repair damaged nerve endings and speed your body’s recovery.
• Gain Control over the vaginal muscles and rock your lover’s world. Increase intimacy.
• Reduced PMS, menstrual cramps and the duration of your menses.

A friend of mine is dating a girl who told him that she swears by her Yoni Egg. I’d never heard of them before, but apparently it’s a stone egg that women clutch in their vagina. Seems pretty cool. If I could walk the streets with my cock in a corn husk, I’d feel a lot safer. Problem is, I wear super tight pants and my bulge would look like a complete mess with all those corn hairs confusing people into thinking I had the longest, most erratic pubes in the league. Anyway.

It’s clear the benefits of the Yoni Egg are endless. Guys, if your girlfriend is turning down sex every night because she’s too tired, buy her the egg. If she’s infertile, buy her the egg (this one seems unlikely). If she’s screaming during childbirth, buy her the egg. If you’re rolling your tiny mini cooper down her enormous airplane runway, and you both keep asking each other “is it in yet?” buy her the egg. The egg is a no-brainer for guys who hate the fact that their girlfriend is a woman.

It made me wonder: what are the best things you could find in a vagina? Here’s what I came up with…

1) IUD

IUDs are one of the most effective and satisfactory forms of birth control for women. They last for three-to-six years and are terrific at bamboozling your swimmers. The installation of the IUD can be painful for about 17% of women, but many women swear by this method of birth control. IUDs should not be confused with IEDs, which are improvised explosive devices often utilized by the Taliban to maim enemy soldiers. IEDs would probably be an effective method of birth control as well, but they would certainly be far more painful than an IUD.

2) Nuvaring

Sticking with the birth control theme here, the nuvaring is an intra-vaginal birth control device that releases estrogen and progestin which work together to prevent pregnancy. The ring tends to be less invasive and painful, but it has to be changed once a month. This requires frequent trips to CVS/Rite Aid, who continue to print comedically oversized paper receipts, which is decimating forests around the world. Not to mention, men with longer, thinner penises have been known to accidentally catch a “ringer,” where they exit the vagina to discover they’re wearing the ring like a crown. And while this can lead to some hysterical dick pics, it tends to interrupt the flow of intercourse and/or embarrass the participants.

3) Ice Cube

Vaginas are humid and poorly ventilated. If you discover an ice cube in your partner’s vagina, you know you’re with a woman who understands the temperatures and rhythms of her body. That’s a keeper, folks.

4) Ice Cube

It’s hard to imagine how the rapper Ice Cube could be found inside a vagina. But when he came in for PMT, I was surprised at how short he is. Vaginas are flexible by design. 48-pound babies like Trent come from them all the time. Imagine Zah’s equatorial head exiting a vagina? If things that size can leave a vagina, it stands to reason that someone as small as Ice Cube could stow himself inside. And what a terrific surprise that would be–to find Ice Cube in a vagina? What an artist.

5) A mouth

Men often debate whether it’s more pleasurable to have sex or to receive a blowjob. Well, what if you could do both… at the same time?! Dare I say your mind would be… blown?